Recently I
talked to one of my Danish friends about how offensive might be my posts on
this blog. For me it’s really important that no one gets offended by what I
say. “Well, when I read it I realize that there’s truth within, but on the
other side I don’t like anybody talking badly about Denmark”. Seriously, I love
the Nordic world but when I’m criticizing it it’s never in a bad way, but in an
objective way, with its lights and shades. After this conversation I was
searching for things I love about Denmark but I hate in Spain. I got it while I
was jogging. That’s why, this is for you Danes.
All over
the world, Denmark is the best country to ride a bike and in the same way to
live together with bikers. I’m going to start with all the things we Spaniards
do and they don’t by listing them in a Seven Deadly Sins list.
1.
Mini-bikes:
God only knows why this ridiculous way of riding bikes with very low
seats and very high handlebars is trendy now. We enjoy pretending we are thugs
and we are right away from the ghetto by awkward moving our legs and hitting
our faces with the knees in order to cycle. If you add to this bizarre
entertainment a chubby guy riding a three times smaller bike you get the
Spanish version of those American twins, McGuire Twins, with their mini-Honda
motorcycles. In Denmark you’ll never see something like that. Everybody rides
bikes that suit their height, maybe too tall ones but still normal.
 |
| McGuire Twins on their Hondas, like those low seat thugs |
2. Gang looking:
Still in the ghetto style, here they love to include mp3 players on
their bikes so everybody on the street can hear what these small thugs listen
to. But, they go wild by adding extras on them, just like Pimp my Ride but without Xzibit. They want to show you how much mob
they are. No, in Denmark one will only see discretion. Don’t stand yourself
out, just ride your bike without playing loud that shaggy music full of “dale!”
or “mamita!”.
3. Two-handed driving:
Here we love security when riding a bike. Two hands on the handlebar and
if we have three, it’s even better. And regarding the mini-bikes, the idea of
driving with two hands on the bar seems too ridiculous. Arms and legs obstruct
each other. Moreover, we cannot drive and do something else at the same time. I’m
from a big capital and I live spitting distance from the inner city, so I don’t
need a bike. That’s why when I was practicing during the summer nights before moving
to Denmark it was hard to me to speak and ride at the same time. I used to feel
so retarded. I’d need the focus on the bike or the focus on the conversation,
but not both of them. And pray for nobody rings you while you are riding. On
the opposite side, Danish people can even text, brush their hair or eat while
biking, and all of this still looking cool.
4. Lycra clothes:
Unless you are Lance Armstrong or professional cyclist, you’re not
allowed to wear a maillot. Are you really going into a race? Then, why do you
do it? If you want to do your cardio outside, you can just work out with a
basic H&M t-shirt (they even have a new sport edition) with a pair of
Adidas shorts… or whatever. Furthermore, the more obnoxious the color of the
maillot is, the better they like. Danes cycling as a way to get a place, like
job, school or market. Other healthy options are dedicated to Fitness DK or
Fitness World. It’s just the situation who demands the dress code when you are
on a bike. Don’t be silly y dear Spaniard, just ride your bike without looking like
a fool. Lycra maillot means that you are sent straight away to hell.
 |
| Somebody save me. Carrefour style on a lycra maillot. |
5. Fear:
No matter if the bus is behind you or the taxi cab almost touches you.
Danes are never afraid of that. On the contrary, if someone is one meter next
to us, we feel about to fall down and crash our bike. We cannot fight the
obstacles on the way. One day in Copenhagen I saw a bus about to run over a
biker, or at least it seemed for me that that lady was about to be killed.
Nothing further from the truth, she was quiet while I was about to scream “Pas
på!!!!” (Be careful in Danish). If you are afraid of everybody on the streets,
it means you are not Dane, so you are sinning according to my list.
6. Going uphill:
That’s a big clue why Denmark rocks in terms of cycling. God damn it, it’s
flat. One doesn’t need to break their back to climb the hills in Madrid. Just
cycling and bending on the road. No suffering. If there are hills, don’t take
your bike. You’ll be exhausted, sweated and annoyed after that, so it’s not good
transportation for the uni or the work. Those Danes, even old people, carrying
their shopping bags full of groceries on the handlebar while riding the bike…
That’s amazing. If I have to carry something else than a backpack I would feel
a bit handicap and aware of not falling down. If live in a non-flat country, it’s
like living in Sodom and Gomorrah.
7. Speeding up:
I’m fed up of hearing people demanding more bike roads for Madrid. I
said it in many times, Madrid is not designed to ride a bike because it’s not
flat and the disposition of the streets doesn’t allow it. However, if you want
to have your bike roads, start by using them. It’s really annoying to wait for
the green of the traffic light and to see how bikers are on the sidewalk while
they have their bike road one meter beside them. But, the most irritating issue
is how much they speed up while they are cycling. If you ride a bike in the
city, you are doing it as a way of transportation, not as fitness. I don’t want
to be run over, thank you. Only in Denmark they know how to respect, not even
Holland where my brother went once and he advised me “don’t be aware of the
traffic when you cross the street, be aware of the bikes”. They just ride, they
just transport themselves. They don’t races. But back in Spain, there’s another
story. Bikers don’t usually respect. And if you complain they blurt out you to
get out of the way. Then it’s when I raise an eyebrow and I think how much I miss
Denmark.
Follow these
principles in the Danish way, you’ll not end up in hell, at least the hell of
my black list.
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